The Monkey Box

Cops - Whatcha gonna dooo when dey come for yooo?

Corn Street

Is not trading at all...

Huffalump mode ACTIVATE

Hey look it's that Windscreen chap

Happy Kissmas!

Oops!

My allowance was reset 10 days ago and I used nearly 7GB of data. I don't quite understand how this is happening, my use is generally confined to 6GB a month!

Xmas Deco in Bristol

Shits Ahoy!

THE SHIT LIST, YOU WILL EXPERIENCE ALL OF THESE.

GHOST SHIT - You know you've shitted. There's shit on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.

TEFLON-COATED SHIT - Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to make sure you did something.

GOOEY-SHIT - This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it's still not clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks so that you don't stain them. This kind of shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

SECOND THOUGHT SHIT- You're all done wiping, and you're about to stand up when you realise....you've got more.

POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT - The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

WEIGHT WATCHERS SHIT - You shit so much, you lose several kilos.

RIGHT NOW SHIT - You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out before you can get your pants down.

KING KONG or CHOKER SHIT - This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually occurs at someone else's house.

CORK SHIT (also Floater) - Even after the third flush it's still floating in the bowl. You think "SHIT" how do I get rid of it.

WET CHEEKS SHIT - This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.

WISH SHIT. You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position and fart a few times, but no shit in sight.

CEMENT BLOCK SHIT - You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you attempted this one.

SNAKE SHIT - This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least a metre long.

BEER AND PIZZA SHIT - This happens the day after the night before. Most of the time your shit doesn't smell so bad but this one is BAD.... usually this one happens at someone else's house, and someone is always waiting outside the toilet door.

MEXICAN FOOD SHIT (or Screamer) - You know will know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.

First Great Western - Lowered Expectations

Recently in a lost battle of finances I have had to make the rather apt decision to start taking the train.

When fuel is up to £1.24/l in most areas on top of the ever rising road tax and insurance it's hard to justify the now just shy of £400 a month on commuting.

So I looked at the trains, weekly the cost to travel is £55.90 an monthly £214. This is all of course about to go up by around 10% in January but is still fairly affordable.

However, it's all good on paper and completely shit in practice. When First Great Western aren't cancelling my only train to work before mid-day to run one of the twenty London bound services, they're just delayed or inexplicably non-existent.

The customer service from the staff in the stations is below terrible standards and the usual reply to the problem of my cancelled train happens to be "why don't you take the next one" as if that concept has completely passed me by.

Even when I present the problem of no further connecting trains I receive a blank look and a bit of dribble to indicate "conversation over".

However for the majority of really piss poor service including Robo-Bitch delivering hollow apologies over the tannoy with as much sympathy as a robot can muster (and trust me, she is extremely sorry) there are still amazing staff members who value their jobs and the work they do. Regardless if the company can respect itself or not.

Such as the train manager on last Thursdays 70 minute late service from Paddington to Exeter (or possibly Plymouth I'll need to double check that later), who arrange all sorts of connections and road transport for each and every passenger in her care.

Even under this immense pressure she even took the time to check I was alright as I was standing in the vestibule.

If #FGW nurtured more people like her the service would be an actual value for money even though the rolling stock is a kin to dragging a dead horse along the tracks.

Illogical!